Unveiled: Total Transparency on the Marriage that Was Not as It Appeared

On June 6, 2014, Deyonta proposed and I said "Yes!" Exactly one year, later we got married on June 6, 2015. Although we knew each other for a year before we officially started dating, it seemed that our relationship progressed pretty quickly after it was made official. It by no means was perfect, and we had several periods of separation, leave me alone, and get out my face moments. But we always found ourselves back in each other's arms as if nothing had happened.

We made a lot of mistakes, many of which I honestly believed were made because we wanted to be together but both were not ready for a new relationship. We each were fresh out of a bad relationship when we met, and we dumped the baggage on each other before sorting through it on our own and allowing the Lord to heal us first. Reflecting back now, I see the lesson that God was trying to teach us.

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Sometimes we really want something, but God delays giving it to us because He knows we aren't quite ready for it. He may be saying, "you still need some fine tuning, refinement, and discipline before I can release all that I have for you. I know it's what you want, but if you have it now you will mess it up." And when you go against that nudge that says it's not time yet, you might find yourself in a low place.

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Unfortunately, we did not heed the many red flags that clearly said, "I love this person, but the timing just isn't right." We pushed forward and it resulted in putting each other through a lot of pain. And because we did not sort out everything before getting together and marrying, we found ourselves married and attempting to enjoy marriage while still trying to heal and be delivered from past hurts and offenses. We stood at the altar extremely excited to be getting married, but metaphorically, it was as if we each had not taken the veil from over our faces. We loved the mess out of each other, but we had not fully unpacked everything in our individual lives and we were unaware of how the enemy would use that baggage to try to destroy our marriage. We had love, but everything else was working against us. Both coming from divorced homes, we had no example of what a healthy marriage looked like, we were young and still growing, and we came into the marriage with two vacation's worth of baggage. It was a recipe for disaster.

So what happened? Well, the wedding came and went, the honeymoon was great, and within a matter of weeks, the devil was busy stirring the pot of unresolved issues that we let come out on each other during disagreements. Within our first year of marriage, just about everything that could go wrong, did, and within the second year, whatever didn't happen in the first year reared it's ugly head in the second year. Micah was the blessing that came shortly after our first year of marriage. Without him as motivation to press through the mess, I'm not sure where Deyonta and I would be today. We had a lot of great times, but they didn't last. And I think we both would agree that during some seasons, the bad outweighed the good and we were left wondering why we even got into this marriage and how it got so crazy and overwhelming so quickly. We put smiles on our faces in front of others and attempted to hold up the appearance that we were doing OK. It was exhausting, and it got to the point where both us could not handle it any longer. We knew we were not living out the marriage God wanted us to have. We hit a breaking point and we had to make a decision. We were either going to accept this mess we were calling marriage...til death do us part or we were going to go back and figure out what went wrong. Thank the Lord, we chose the latter. From there, the unveiling began.

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God has a way of breaking you to the point where you realize how much you need Him. And from there, He has arms wide open ready to forgive and bring you back in line with His will.

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It wasn't that the Lord didn't want us to be together. We knew that was not the case. We were simply living out the consequences of not seeking Him and His timing for our relationship.

Back to the unveiling...it was a messy process. We fussed and fought and said and did things that we thought we'd never get over. But through it all, we started getting to the core of our issues, both individually and as a couple. We started laying it all out on the table and for the first time we were putting our whole selves out there on display for the other to see. We started uncovering hurts and offenses that came from previous romantic relationships, familial relationships, and personal insecurities. During this time forgiveness was HUGE, and still is. We had to let God be our standard and example for how to treat each other. We each had to ask God for forgiveness for not heeding to the red flags and for bringing a bunch of mess into our marriage. We knew we were supposed to be together, but just not at the time we chose to. Then after asking God for forgiveness, we had to forgive each other for the deep hurt we caused one another. We couldn't continue to treat each other the way we were if we were claiming to be so in love. We had to lay a new foundation by going back to what God's Word says about marriage and how husbands and wives ought to treat each other.

After 3 years and 9 months of being married, we are still being more open and honest with each other about everything. It's still not easy, but it so freeing. We desire to do marriage God's way and be the best example for our children. I'm thankful that God is so faithful and forgiving. Even when we mess up and choose to do things our own way, He always welcomes you with open arms when you're ready to try His way. He's a constant, unchanging God.

The most painful thing I've had to say to my husband was "I love you, but I shouldn't have married you when I did." And call me crazy for even letting those words leave my lips, but it was so necessary. And following those words came an apology for not giving him the wife and marriage he deserved those first 2 years. And he was able to do the same with me. I wasn't as supportive and encouraging as I could have been because I was sorting through my own mess, and I wasn't always a joy to come home to. But through forgiveness, prayer, and just continuing to love each through it, we've made it, and I'm looking forward to the beautiful years ahead. I love how our marriage is growing and flourishing. It's still not perfect, never will be, but it's open, honest, and full of love. And now that we have 2 children, we're learning to be more intentional about our time together. Just as you would tend to a garden with the expectation of seeing what you planted grow, you must also care for your marriage in the same way...plant seeds, water them, and sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labor. Happy loving, growing, and learning about your partner daily! Marriage was meant to be enjoyed!