Micah's Update

It's been almost a year and three months since I shared the start of our journey with Micah from when he was born to his diagnosis of autism in February of 2020. Since the diagnosis, we've been doing our best to get him the resources he needs to prepare him for school and keep him on track with his peers. He began ABA (Applied Behavioral Analysis) therapy in September of 2020 and continues the intensive therapy Monday - Friday for 4 hours a day. We've seen great progress in his social and communication skills and it's like he's a completely different kid from a year ago. He's able to communicate using full sentences, can maintain sustained attention to complete tasks, and shows more interest in being social with his peers now that he has the language to communicate with and relate to them. A major part of his growth is that he no longer has the tantrums he previously had as a result of not being able to properly communicate his needs or inability to appropriately regulate his emotions. He's truly come a long way since February 2020 when we were instructed to pull him from preschool. We are so proud of him!

As we entered this summer, we became very hopeful that he'd be starting kindergarten in the fall. We moved into a new community in March, found a great private school in the area, and with excitement we moved forward with touring the school and coming to the decision to enroll him. We were told during the tour that he'd be assessed for kindergarten readiness in May and upon passing the readiness test would move forward in the enrollment process to start school in August!

Things were really looking up! We were (still are and always will be) incredibly proud of Micah for how far he'd come. Although aware that this was in no way an ending to this journey, we were finally starting to feel like he was moving closer to being up to par with is neurotypical peers. In the midst of my excitement, I don't think I ever stopped to remind myself that I have to manage my expectations. Reminding myself that although I have certain hopes and expectations of my children like all parents, at the end of the day, Micah is who he is, the timing of his progress is what is is, and his abilities are what they are at this given moment. That does not mean all of the interventions are in vain, it just simply means that even with all of the interventions, the progression of his journey and his readiness for new things depends on him. That's hard as a parent because I want so badly for things to work out for him, but sometimes I just have to get out of the way and allow things to happen as they happen.

I see it like potty training. When our children become of age to start tying to manage their own toileting needs, as parents we encourage them to sit on the potty, we model the behavior, give rewards, praise, reminders, and even sing ridiculous potty songs! We do whatever we can to motivate that child to move closer to this level of independence. And while all of our interventions are helpful and act as a means to push that goal closer to fulfillment, ultimately, that child becomes potty trained when THEY set in their mind that THEY are ready and decide that going to the bathroom on themselves is no longer comfortable or acceptable. This example reminds me that when it comes to Micah's progress and him being comparable to his peers, I need to settle myself, be still, and remember that it will happen. No...not in the timing that I'm hoping or by the date that aligns with my plans, but it will be well. And why should I not trust that? Everything up until this point has been well. Again, not on my schedule, but it has been well. When we were concerned about his speech, it was well and now he's talking just fine, when we were concerned about his behavior, it was well and you would never be able to tell that he was kid with behavioral issues, and when we were concerned about his delay with potty training, it too was well and it's been a year since. Everything we THOUGHT in the moment was an overwhelming hurdle surrounded by the reminders of his delays in looking at all the typical children around us, IT WAS WELL. And if God gave us the strength to get through all of that without flying off the rails and becoming horrible parents, then I know we can get through what's to come. Now back to the original purpose of this post...

We were excited about Micah starting school in August! We had even received a scholarship that would pay for most of his tuition (because private school ain't cheap)! Everything was going smoothly. About 3 weeks ago, we got notification that his Kindergarten Readiness Test would be March 24th. We were a little nervous about it and for Micah as well because we weren't sure how he'd respond in this new setting, but he always talks about going to school so we knew he would likely enjoy the experience. My husband took him to the school the morning of the 24th for his test at 8:30 am and within 2 hours they were home. Before even asking, I could see it on my husband's face that it had not gone well. My husband's words were, "he didn't pass." My heart sunk and I was holding back tears because I didn't want Micah to see my crying or to feel that he did anything wrong. I pulled it together and gave him a hug. I asked, "Micah are you sad?" His response, "No, I'm not sad." I then asked, "Did you like school?" His response with a smile, "Yes, I liked school!" In that moment that's all that mattered. It wasn't about me and my hurt that he would not get the opportunity to start Kindergarten in the fall. He enjoyed the experience of being at a school around other kids and he had nothing bad to say about it. My husband even said that he walked out of the classroom with a big smile on his face! Micah had no idea that during that time he was being tested on his responses and when he walked out of the room with his big smile, he had no idea that he has just failed his Kindergarten exam. And for me, I'm ok with that! He's 4 years old and I didn't want to break his spirit. My responsibility in that moment was to tell him how proud of him I was. He doesn't yet have the ability to understanding why he didn't do well so why subject him to feeling sad and inadequate with no knowledge of why. And honestly, we didn't even know at that time why he didn't do well. The teacher told my husband he failed, gave us no paperwork to see his results, and sent them on their way.

Later that afternoon, I emailed the school to set up a meeting with the teacher to get feedback about the testing. I was rather disappointed about the lack of help. If you tell someone they didn't do well on something but give no feedback on why, what they can do better next time, or what they should work harder on, then how are they supposed to improve? The teacher responded quickly and we set up a time for the following week. I met with her this past Tuesday, June 1. I told myself before this meeting that my goal was to better understand why he failed. I'm not about to show up at this school looking like an angry black woman that's arguing with them and trying to convince them that my child is ready for school. I'm a mild-mannered person and it would be completely out of character for me in behave in that way. And I'm a whole mental health therapist. I would look crazy out in these streets not appropriately regulating my own emotions. If they say he's not ready, I trust their judgement as professionals in the academic field, and my role as a parent is to get more understanding so I can work harder with him and also share the feedback with his therapists so they can continue to work on the areas he's still struggling in. The meeting was hard! She started by saying that Micah was "a beautiful child." I thanked her and thought to myself that it must be awkward to have to think of what nice things to say to a parent before you share all the not so good things. She opened the test booklet and went through with me the types of questions she asked and what Micah's responses were. She shared with me that he didn't seem to understand some of what was being asked of him and when he wasn't sure of an answer, he just repeated the question or mimicked what she did. I appreciated the time she was taking to show me what he did well on and where he struggled.

Her main premise was, even if he had gotten a lot of questions right, they still don't believe he would have been ready because there's some things you just can't teach. For example, there was a question where 3 children had different amounts of fish and the teacher would ask the child how many total fish they all have. Even if he would have counted and got the number wrong, he would still be showing the process of being able to count as well as processing how one might come to an answer whether right or wrong. While other children were able to understand that process and come to a correct or incorrect answer, Micah did not understand what was being asked of him so he couldn't count the fish and he lacked the understanding that in order to get the total or sum of fish, he would have to take each individual number of fish that each child had and combine them. If he still struggles with processing what is being said or asked of him, then there's going to be a delay in responding and an even longer delay if he doesn't know how to do what is being asked. He further struggled with phonemic awareness (the ability to identify individual sounds in words), visual discrimination (being able to identify difference in pictures or what doesn't look right in a picture), and geometric concepts (he didn't understand that you could break shapes up into pieces and it's still the same shape). He was not able to display the skills necessary to succeed in a Kindergarten classroom at the pace and level of his peers without additional attention and prompting. It wasn't even hearing that he didn't have the skills yet that hurt...that part is what it is and I can't argue that. What truly hurt was the insensitive verbiage she used during this meeting and the assumptions she made about me. Let me break it down for you....

1. She stated, "You and I both know he's not ready." My response in my mind... Well no I did not know that which is why we moved forward with the kindergarten assessment to see if he was or not and why I scheduled this meeting to better understand after being told he failed. I would not have wasted both of our time for something that I was already aware of. We also did not receive any feedback when he left the test so how would I know what was tested and how he did? To me it made the assumption that I was attempting to be the type of persuasive parent that would try to argue or change their mind to get my kid in school, rather than a parent that simply wants understanding to better help her child. Or the crazy assumption that I knew good and well my child wasn't ready and just decided to be cruel and make him go though a testing process that I knew he would fail only to then raise hell with the teacher about why he didn't pass. Ma'am I'm an honest and decent Christian that has more sense and class than that.

2. She stated, "You're a therapist, you know." Pause ma'am! I'm a mental health therapist. I know enough to be able to diagnosis and treat MENTAL HEALTH DISORDERS! I am in no way an expert in the academic field nor do I know in detail what goes into determining each grade level's readiness to progress to the next grade. I'm over here thinking he needs to know the basics of numbers, letters, colors, animals, shapes, information about himself, know how write and cut paper, and be potty trained. You're telling me it's a good bit more than that. So that alone tells you that no I don't know and I'm not an expert in this field which is why I respect your opinion enough to meet with you and gain a better understanding of why he's not ready.

3. She stated and I quote, "It wasn't worth scoring" I assume in response to why we didn't receive any feedback. She did apologize for not providing feedback after the assessment but in my opinion she negated he own apology when she followed it up with "it wasn't worth scoring."

At that point I was fighting back tears in the classroom. You mean to tell me that you didn't follow through with your part as a teacher and score the exam, leave feedback for improvement, and send us home with a sense of understanding because you felt like based on his score it wasn't worth your time? And you're sitting in front of me, the parent of this child that you neglected to do due diligence to and neglecting to follow through on your job, with the boldness to say that to my face and see no issue with it?! So the other parents got the filled out and complete Parent-Teacher Report, but you feel like you're doing me a favor now a week after the assessment by handing me the BLANK form that you just told me was not worth filling out. I was shocked and in that moment it was hard to keep my composure. So I swallowed my emotions, remained respectful of this woman that was older than my mother, thanked her for her time, and left. She walked me to the door, I got in my car, and I cried. That meeting was yet another confirmation of so many things...that my child may never receive the same respect and decency because dealing with him requires extra effort that some people just aren't willing to give, that his differences may always naturally affect the way he will be treated, that his differences may always determine the effort people give toward him, and that his differences will always be the excuse we receive as parents as to why he didn't get what the next child got. I'm not asking anything crazy or dishonest of you, I'm not asking you to change your mind, not asking you to give him another chance, not even asking you to sit here and score the test now in front of me like you should have done before so that I can walk away with tangible understanding like all the other parents. I just ask that you care. And I ask that you realize that you not scoring that sheet had nothing to do with my child and his score; but had everything to do with you and your standard for what prompts effort on your part. I was always a good student and didn't failing many tests in my time in school, but the few I did fail, I always saw a grade in red at the top of that paper. At no point in my life didn't any teacher find it unnecessary to complete their job and disrespect me by tossing me a blank unscored test because it was not worth their time to score my paper. Maybe I'm reading too much into it and I'd love to hear your feedback if you believe that I am, but to me it communicates that not only was the work of my child not good enough, but he wasn't good enough to make you think differently. You saw no value in scoring his exam as you did the others. You saw no value in how even a failed score on his sheet would make a difference instead of receiving a blank sheet. This blank sheet that I'm staring at now communicates to me that you simply did not care. And although it hurts, it's a truth that I have to accept. He's my child, not anyone else's. I can't expect the way others treat him and his situation to be with the same kindness as we do and I can't expect them to understand my why of why it's hurts. And with that also has to come the acceptance that my fight for him may often be viewed as confrontational because while my goal is to ask questions to better understand, it may easily be perceived as me trying to make others believe he's a different child than what other's view him to be and that's not the case. What you see is what you get from Micah. I'm not trying to convince anyone that he's smarter that what he appears to be or more well adjusted than he presents. I'm not out here trying to present him as something he's not. He's a wonderful child the way he is, with all of his brilliance AND all of his delays (and neither is less than the other). But I do owe Micah a parent that fights for him...that's not afraid to rustle feathers to get answers, that's not afraid to stand up for him when I feel that he's been done wrong, and that's not afraid to put in the work for him to experience and accomplish all that he can. I have to do that for him because he can't yet do it for himself.

One thing I've picked from studying psychology and working in my field is that to many, perception is reality. I'm sure you've heard people say it all the time or even used the phrase yourself. Reality to each person is based on their perception of events, people, experiences, everything. Our upbringing, relationships, education, experiences and everything that we've encountered in this life and have been influenced by informs how we view things and we believe to be true about ourselves, others, and the world. I've seen it time after time in my work counseling couples who each believes their perspective of what the problem is in their relationship is correct. And although there's space to discuss how each person experiences and perceives the relationship, at some point we have to test that perception against what the truth is. In going through this process, we might find that neither of us is correct in what we believed to be true and we have a new found love and understanding of the other because we now see what is true, not what we think we see. The truth is that reality is reality. It doesn't matter what we think or how we feel, what is real is real. I should have been more gentle with that statement...Yes, our feelings and thoughts about things do matter, but they don't change what is true and real. Yes, our individual "stuff" causes us to perceive things in different ways, but just because I, you, or anyone else perceives something to be true, does not make it true. Truth is truth because it is and reality is reality because it is, not because we try to make it to be.

I say all that to make the point that as Micah's mother I have a perception of him that differs from the perceptions of others. The hurtful things that I experience in our lives are what appear to be our reality and what may be reality for quite some time. And although my emotions are valid, I'm always open to the option that I am wrong. I am human, therefore I can be wrong. This entire post could be wrong! My thinking can be wrong and the way I view things and other people in can be wrong, not just in things that pertain to Micah, but in life in general. And because I can be completely wrong and in my feelings, I too have to allow myself to come down from certain situations and choose what I will take away from each experience. Am I going to focus on what I think and feel or on what's true and real? I choose to focus my time and energy on what is true and what is reality. Our reality is that Micah has autism and what is true is that God has never left us alone in this journey of parenting and advocating for him. How do I know that? Because when I see Micah everyday I'm looking at the evidence of God's faithfulness, when I hear Micah speak, I'm hearing the evidence of God's goodness, and when I watch him interact with others, I'm witnessing the evidence of God's love. All of that I know to be real and true! God's sovereignty reminds me that I can be still while He is in control, it reminds me that I can be Micah's parent with the awareness that he still belongs to God, and that I can be Micah's advocate and still know that God will handle all of his matters in perfect timing. Just like I mentioned earlier, it will be well! Everything we THOUGHT was an overwhelming, insurmountable hurdle, turned out to be well! Micah is a tremendous blessing. There's not a year of his life that has gone by that has not taught me more about myself and my faith. Just when I think I'm learning more about him, God reminds me that I'm learning so much more about myself and the God I serve. If I know these things to be true about Him, then it will be well. And every disappointment and hurtful experience along the way only serves to remind me where and who my focus should be on.

And for the people we've encountered that have written him or his experience off as "not worth it," it's their loss. Not even for Micah, but for themselves. They missed the opportunity to check their standard of being and really ask themselves, how would I feel? I have no anger toward this woman or anyone. I realize she is not his mother and therefore she holds no responsibility to care for him in the way that I do. She left me with one final statement before I left the room... "I'll be praying for you." I thought to myself, no I'll be praying for you. I know God's got us, He's already shown me that, but I pray that she reflects on that meeting and thinks to herself, where would I be if God thought I wasn't worth it? If He thought my performance wasn't worth it? If he thought my behavior wasn't worth it? If he thought my credentials wasn't worth it. Fill in the blank ma'am with whatever you choose, where would you be? The same words that were used to deny someone a better experience, could have been the same words used against you to deny you the opportunity to sit where you are right now and do what you do. I hope you're just as thankful as I am that God doesn't treat us that way! We are worth it to Him!

Micah will start school! No, not this August, but it will be well!