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"Just start!" I had been saying that to myself for the longest.
I started feeling God nudging me to do more with my life in August of 2018. It was not a feeling I was unfamiliar with. Over the past few years I had always felt like God wanted more from me and wanted to use me, but in disobedience, I ignored His soft nudging and His will for my life. However, this time in August was much different. He was not leaving me alone and He was trying to get my attention at a time when I certainly did not want to be bothered...late at night or very early in the morning when I wanted to be sleeping. Not to mention, I was 5 ½ months pregnant and my life revolved around getting enough rest.
I was still riding on a high. I applied for a job in Charlotte as a family therapist in June, went through the interview process, and on August 8th I was offered the position and accepted. This was the opportunity my husband and I had waited for what seemed forever for. I was miserable at my current job. It was a therapist position working with children in the school. I had taken the job upon completing graduate school because I needed to start getting experience. After only a year, I was burnt out and ready to leave. This new position was an answer to prayer. My husband and I had been wanting to relocate back to Charlotte for a year and I was looking for a position that was a better fit for me. Most of the time I felt very depressed there and wanted to get out badly. Well here it was! This was our way out! God had placed in our laps everything we had been praying for, but why did I still feel so unhappy?
God has a funny way of answering our prayers while still creating a feeling of dissatisfaction because we haven't fully committed to His will in its entirety.
Jumping back to those sleepless nights; one night in particular stood out from the rest. It was Saturday night, August 11, 2018. My mind was racing and I could not sleep. I stayed awake well into early Sunday morning. It wasn’t that I couldn’t sleep because of all the excitement of having accepted a new position in Charlotte just 3 days earlier. It wasn’t that I was stressed about having to find a place to live and getting everything together to move in just 3 weeks. God was really speaking to me that night. And honestly, I was annoyed! As if it already isn’t frustrating enough trying to sleep with a kicking baby in my belly, now the Lord thinks the best time to talk to me is during the crazy hours of the morning. He didn’t care.
God knows us better than we know ourselves and he knows just when and how to get our attention.
For me, God knew that perfect timing wasn’t throughout the day at work when he knew I’d be too busy to listen. He waited to speak in the still of the night; a time that was not by any means convenient for me but was perfect timing for me to really finally hear what He has been trying to get me to listen to for years. What I believed God was saying to me was simply, “Yes, I want you and I need you to do more for me.” My initial response that I thought to myself was Um.... excuse me?! Lord you know I’m too busy for all that. I’m growing as a therapist in my field, I’m about to start this awesome new job making much more than I am right now, I’m married, have a 2-year-old, and I’m pregnant with our second child that you know we weren’t planning to have so soon.
As I thought about my thoughts; I mean really thinking about my initial response to God, I was ashamed. Really Jayna?! Who gave you all of these blessings to begin with? Are you really going to sit here and complain about the fact that God wants to use you because it's not convenient for you? Yes, Jayna it’s going to require more of your time and energy, but don’t you owe it to God after all He’s done for you?
For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more – Luke 12:48
Now you know I feel horrible. God was requiring and asking more of me and instead of thanking him for the blessings He’s already given me and thanking him for trusting me with whatever this new assignment was going to be, I’m complaining because what he wants of me didn’t quite fit with my own personal agenda. I had stretched myself and committed to so many other things in my life, but what was I doing to commit myself to the one I claim to be my Lord and Savior? I had never felt so strongly that all this time those thoughts racing through my head that I had no idea where they were coming from was God trying to speak to me. These thoughts were so contradictory to anything I ever believed I could be capable of because I’m so shy and introverted. Be vulnerable and share my experiences with people...What?! I had felt like God called the wrong person that night. Sorry Lord, wrong number, hang up and try again. Move on to the next person who is an outgoing, extroverted, people-person because it certainly isn’t me. But I was so wrong. It wasn’t a mistake. God did want me, but he needed a willing and obedient heart.
Now there I was, awoken again early in the morning, precisely at 3:59 am on Saturday, September 8, 2018. It’s exactly 4 weeks to the day that I felt this strong push from God on August 11th. We’re in Charlotte in our new place and I’ve just finished my first week at my new job. Everything seemed to be going great, but why am I still getting woken up early in the morning? This time I think God was annoyed with me. I clearly heard, “So what are you waiting for?” Hmmm...Good question Lord. Just the night before we had dinner with our new friends Austin and Brea. It was a great night of them sharing their life with us and supporting us as we navigate this newly discovered calling that God has on our lives. And as God has been pushing me into my calling, this early morning I just kept saying to myself “Just start Jayna.” If He has called me into something, then He must be planning on equipping me with the tools and resources I need to do what He wants me to do. My job is to simply say “yes” in obedience and START!
When it comes to making decisions, too often as Christians we use the cliché statements of "I'll think about it" or “I’ll pray about it.” But when it comes to a direct command from God, what is there to think or pray about? It’s coming from Him, the one who has our best interest at heart, so obviously we should do it. So, I’m starting and praying along the way for guidance, because honestly, I don’t know exactly all the details, but I need to start somewhere. What better way to start then by sharing with you how I got to this point! Just a step of faith to grab my laptop and start typing away. So what am I waiting for? Well thankfully the answer is nothing anymore. But FEAR was what previously held me back. We’ll talk more about that later.
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